Hmmmm...

Yes, Andrea and I realize that we pretty much suck....lol...We were doing SO well with the Love Dare Challenge and then all of a sudden, day 6 comes and leaves both of us stuck in a rut! It kind of confused us...and  because of that, it really threw us off track and we ended up stopping the Love Dare altogether! Ugh..We really want to get back on track, so, I promise that today I will start back up again!

In the meantime, I wanted to share an article I found online yesterday that really struck a chord for me. It's called "The Funnest Way to Get Your Spouse to Change"...which is a totally misleading title in my opinion because it is NOT about trying to change your spouse lol...at least not in a negative "YOU HAVE TO CHANGE!" kind of way haha...Here, I'm just gonna post it and let you figure out how it makes YOU feel!

The Funnest Way to Get Your Spouse to Change

Often the biggest obstacle for a person trying to improve his or her marital relationship is that the spouse seems unwilling to change. So how do you get your spouse to change? The bad news is that you can't directly force your spouse to change. The good news is that there are things you can do to indirectly encourage positive change. And your spouse can do the same for you.

If your spouse seems unwilling to change, it doesn't mean that he or she doesn't want a better marriage. Almost everyone wants a better marriage, but we all resist change that is imposed upon us. The only person who can change your spouse is your spouse. We all make fundamental changes in our behavior only when we are ready and internally motivated. Lasting behavioral change can't be coerced. It has to be our own choice. If someone tries to compel us to change by pointing out our faults, begging us, pressuring us, or trying to manipulate us, we become less willing to change, and the relationship suffers because of the conflict. If you have been approaching your relationship in a coercive way, the best thing you can do is to immediately back off and allow your spouse the time and freedom to change on his or her own terms.

Internalizing this understanding is critical for a fully functional marriage. You cannot change your spouse. There are things you can do to make it easier for him or her to change, but then you must accept, appreciate, and be satisfied with the changes your spouse chooses to make on his or her own timetable. You may be able to force some changes through intimidation or manipulation, but by doing so you will decrease the good will that your spouse feels for you, making any other desired changes even less likely.

Criticism kills romance. It leaves your spouse feeling defensive and decreases good will. A much more more effective motivator than criticism for improving spousal behavior is attraction.

For example, when a single man meets an available woman who is pretty, kind, fun, and in other ways seems to be his ideal, he will go to great lengths to win her heart. Because of his attraction to her, he is motivated to spend the time and energy required to make her feel loved and cared for. Eventually, however, they may both get caught up in the business of life and make each other less of a priority. She may not tend to his needs as much as before. He may realize that she isn't quite the picture of perfection that he had imagined. In any case, he is less motivated to go out of his way to meet her relationship needs.

Now let's look at the relationship from her perspective. In the beginning she found him quite attractive. Why? Because he was meeting some of her important relationship needs. Because of her attraction to him, she was motivated to go to great lengths to please him. However, as he gradually became less diligent in meeting her needs, she felt less loved, less attracted to him, and less motivated to meet his needs. Their romance suffered as a result.

At this point in the relationship the husband and wife are usually both acutely aware of the needs for change in each other. He blames her for the lack of romance, and she blames him. He suggests ways that she can change, and she nags him about things that he should do differently. This mutual criticism  leaves each one feeling discouraged, resentful, and less attracted to the other, further reducing their motivation to make personal changes.

In order to rebuild the romance in your relationship you must reverse the process that caused it to decline, or repeat the process that created it in the first place. The greatest power you have over your marital relationship is your ability to change your own behavior. If you change behavior in ways that make your spouse feel cared for, he or she will have more positive feelings toward you. These feelings will help your spouse develop the internal motivation needed to make genuine behavioral changes.

Building your relationship in this way is like courting all over again. What could be more fun than that?!

Love Dare Challenge - Day 6

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

"And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men."
- Acts 24:16

Kellsi's Love Dare - Day 5

This challenge happened to be pretty easy for me because I've actually asked Ryan similar questions several times over the course of our almost 2 year marriage (and 4 year relationship lol). So, bringing it up to him wasn't very difficult or awkward, he's actually really used to me being random so it didn't even phase him haha...Anyway, the VERY first thing he said when I asked him was "you tell me first"...lol...I didn't say anything about him of course, and just told him, "no babe, please? I want to do better by you, so please just tell me." So, he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally came up with 2 answers...he really could not come up with a third...I just have to laugh though because the 2nd didn't even have anything to do with us or our relationship, or even anything that actually irritates him or makes him uncomfortable...

The first thing he asked was the very thing that I've already discussed on this blog...the way I talk to him...He said he'd like it if I wouldn't talk to him like I was annoyed with him....Which, by the way, I HAVE been working on and it's been going VERY well!!!....The second (and last) thing he asked was that I eat...Ha, no, I am not anorexic or anything, but, I AM partially hypoglycemic and get bad headaches if I don't eat throughout the day, and honestly, I get headaches just about every day because I forget to eat...I don't do it on purpose,but ya know, when you have a little 8 month old crawling around the house taking up all of your time and energy, YOU, and taking care of yourself are the last things on your mind! Lol....But anyway, he asked me to eat and to take better care of myself in that way because he doesn't like seeing me hurting with headaches! Yes...I married a sweet, sweet man! :)

Andrea's Love Dare~Day 5

I was a little hesitant about this challenge, not because I didn't want to do it, but because I didn't know how to bring it up without it being totally random! Anyway, we ended up joking around about something kind of similar, so I just asked Tyler, "What are three things that bother you, or you wish you could change about me?" He responded with, "Why do you ask that? There's nothing that really irritates me or anything, and the things that might bother me I've lived with my entire life." (I am not a very tidy person, and he is, but his family isn't either). He said he decided a long time ago that it is best not to dwell on those sorts of things, but to love and accept your spouse the way they are. I know there are things he would change if he could, but I also already know what those things are, and try not to do them. I felt really good after he answered it. It was such a sweet answer, full of love and respect. He was still confused why I even asked him, but that's ok! haha.

Love Dare Challenge - Day 5

"The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself." - Ecclesiastes 10:12

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. 

Andrea's Love Dare ~ Day 4

My love dare today was not too successful. I spend all day with Tyler, and so I couldn't exactly call him or do anything like that, but I did just ask him if there was anything I could do to help him out. He hasn't been feeling very well, so I did try to be extra nice and help him with anything I could. There honestly wasn't much I could do that I don't do everyday anyway, but I did try! We still had a very good spirit in our home though. Sorry this post is very uneventful, but at least I tried!

Kellsi's Love Dare - Day 4

I think I failed for today's love dare challenge....not because I didn't do it, I did, but because of my attitude and actions at the beginning of the day...I must've woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was just having one of "those" days, feeling sorry for myself and just being grumpy. Poor Ryan was trying to help cheer me up and figure out what was wrong with me and in return I was short and snappy with him...I honestly think I married one of the most tolerable and patient men in the world, and I'm pretty sure if I were him and had a significant other that acted like I do sometimes, I probably wouldn't have married them. Lol. Just sayin...

My dear sweet husband called me this afternoon just to tell me he loves me and ask me how I was doing...by this time I was crying and frustrated because the dogs were getting on my nerves with different things they were doing and Scarlet was challenging me in different ways (mostly physically because she was constantly crawling and getting into things she's not supposed to so I had to pick her up and take her to a different area over and over again). ...aside from these things, I was feeling sorry for myself because I don't exactly have any friends here in Virginia, sure im friendly with people and do things with others occasionally, but, I don't have a friend who's there for me to talk with and know that we're not just friends because we both have a kid or something lol...and I was stressing out about money because we literally only have enough in the bank to take care of a few of our bills right now and I was just getting upset over that and was again feeling frustrated that we can never seem to catch a break financially! Our motto has always been "we need to pay our tithing" cuz we know we're blessed because of it and will have enough to take care of us if we just keep being faithful, but goodness gracious, it's hard sometimes!!

But anyway enough of that rant, my point was that Ryan called me because he is a sweet sweet man and he helped me to know that everything is ok and we can get through everything together...then he did todays love dare (obviously without knowing he was doing it) and he asked me what he can do to help me(and he even asked what he can do to help me get my business started. Which was nice because he hasn't been very involved in it)....

This phone call humbled me because instead of getting over myself and my worries and woes and calling him up to see what I could do for HIM, he called ME out of the love and kindness of his heart...

I did call him later in the day to complete my dare, but really honestly feel like what he did for me taught me so much more than me doing the challenge did...

I just love that man!

Love Dare Challenge - Day 4

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you."
- Philippians 1:3

Andrea's Love Dare~Day 3

This challenge was really hard for me. Tyler and I have moved twice in the last year, not just to different houses, but to different cities. I used to support us by working full time while he went to school full time. I gave up my good job here in Mesa, AZ to move up to Flagstaff so my husband could attend Northern Arizona University. We didn't know it at the time, but that 6 months ended up being one of the greatest, but most difficult times of our lives. We found out just a few weeks after moving up that I was 5 weeks pregnant, and due sometime in early 2012. We had just moved into a TINY one bedroom apartment, and were trying to figure out how we could possibly work out living there with a baby. We did not want to live anywhere else, because we had an absolutely wonderful landlord, who kept the cost of living down, and helped his tenants any way he could. Despite the fact that we had the cheapest rent in Flagstaff, it was still $125 more than we used to spend for rent in Mesa. The cost of living in Flagstaff is very high compared to many places in Arizona. So, after we got up there I started applying for dental assisting jobs like crazy! Every office I could find, I applied at. Meanwhile, my husband applied at retail stores just across the street, hoping he could get something part time. He started working odd jobs with our friend, but it was not steady work, just enough to help out a little bit (my parents started paying for our living expenses, because what we had saved went to our first month's rent, deposit, and stuff like that). I kept applying for jobs like crazy, and thought on several different occasions that I had gotten a job at a good office, with a nice dentist. But then, my so called, "morning sickness" struck, and it was horrible! I was not sick in the morning; I was sick ALL DAY LONG! And I was not only nauseous, I immediately threw up after everything I ate. I lost 15 pounds, and had virtually no energy. I could barely move, let alone try to find and interview for jobs. After several weeks of that I started feeling better, and I got a call from Oasis Dental! I just knew this was our big break. It had been a few months since we moved up, and I was so tired of not doing anything. I interviewed at the office, and got hired on full time. We calculated it, and figured, with Tyler's school grants, we would be able to put away pretty much every other paycheck until the baby came! That would give us at least a few thousand dollars to get by for a little while after she came. The job was great. I trained for two weeks, and it was a busy, fun environment. But after training the office slowed tremendously! I ended up being on an "on call" basis, and if I was lucky I got 15 hours a pay period. That was not enough to live on, let alone save. Tyler kept applying for jobs, but it's a college town, and they have thousands of people to choose from. He got a lot of calls from places, but they didn't like his schedule so he didn't get hired.

After about 4 months in Flagstaff we made a very hard decision. We decided to move back to Mesa at the end of the semester, so we could be around family. So in December of last year we moved back, and into Tyler's grandma's house, who had passed away earlier in the year. We started looking for jobs again, but I was almost 7 months pregnant at this point, and Tyler had already made his school schedule, because he was starting school just a couple of weeks after we moved down. So once again, he was trying to find a job that would work around his school schedule, instead of vise versa. I gave birth to Millie on Tyler's birthday 2/29, and that was wonderful, but taking care of her made it impossible for me to look for a job. Tyler finally got hired at a new/used sporting goods store, but he doesn't start until the week after next.

Sorry, this is like a novel, but the point of my very long story is that, we have been through  A LOT in the past year, and have not been able to catch a break financially. We have virtually no money in the bank, and I try to be as frugal as possible. So anything I got was going to be a sacrifice for me. I ended up stopping and getting him a Dr. Pepper on my way home from my cousin's house. This may not seem like a big, or thoughtful gift, but he LOVES Dr. Pepper, and had been working on the yard for a few hours. I knew he would be hot and tired, and I figured he could use a little pick-me-up. He was grateful to me, for thinking of him even though I had been gone almost all day.

So that was my love dare. I'm sorry for all the history, I just kind of wanted to paint a picture of the depth of our financial hardships in the last year, so you would understand why a Dr. Pepper was a big deal! I hope your Day 3 went well also!

Kellsi's Love Dare - Day 3

So, today's challenge is something that can prove to be a little difficult for both Ryan and I. Not that we WANT other things to become more important than each other, but, right now, we're at a place in our life where money is a little hard to come by and we don't have any of it to spend on each other....He works hard to make what he does to that we can pay our bills and not have to worry about being late on our payments, and I am trying to save money for my cosmetology business so that I can get everything I need, advertise, and eventually make us some more income! Especially since Ryan will be returning to school in 2 1/2 weeks and will go from working 35/40 hours a week to 20 or less! That's a big deal for us considering the fact that even with him working full time it barely gives us enough to get by!

Anyway, since I spent money to get him lunch the day before yesterday, we didn't have any extra for me to go get him a gift like this dare asks us to....Instead, I decided to clean the entire house for him. Yeah, I know, big deal because I do it often, but, I know he really enjoys coming home to a clean house, keeps him (and me) from getting stressed out...Oh, AND I made him dinner (even though I'd already eaten and put Scarlet to bed, because he got home from work after 9pm)...

Tonight was nice (well, last night lol) because with our nightly scripture study, we ended up having a long discussion about different things in the church, etc. I was able to learn a lot of things from him that I not only never knew about, but, didnt realize HE did! I like that I got to pick his brain for a little while and learn something new from him...Having discussion isn't something we normally do, we usually read our scriptures, say our prayers, and then that's it for us, no discussion or anything further.

So, I think that love dare #3 was a success :)

Love Dare Challenge - Day 3

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

"For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work."
- James 3:16

Kellsi's Love Dare - Day 2

Sorry, I know this post is a day late, but, instead of taking the time to get online and post last night, Ryan and I cuddled on the couch and watched Bones together (it's one of our favorite shows lol), which was nice because we don't get cuddle time that often due to the fact that he's gone almost all day every day between school (not yet) work (he's working full time right now until school and then he'll work part time) and training for the soccer season! So, he doesn't usually get home until late (yesterday he was gone from 9 to 8 so I only got about 2 hours with him because his morning hours were spent working out lol)....

But anyway, I was proud of myself yesterday because I ended up doing the 2nd love dare without even realizing that I had until I got home and found the app to read it lol. I had been going around town running errands with Scarlet and decided I'd stop by the grocery store next to Ryan's work (he works at CVS Pharmacy as a pharmacy tech) and pick him up some lunch (bbq pulled pork sandwiches and powerade? umm yes! lol)...We then went and delivered it to him and thinking about it makes me smile because the look on his face when he saw us was priceless. A big grin from ear to ear....Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside because you know those kinds of smiles are genuine!

When he got home from work and soccer last night he told me how much he appreciated that I brought him lunch and came to visit him and he said that it was the highlight of his day...

Here's something else that has already changed drastically....First of all, yesterday I had every intention of cleaning the whole house, doing all the laundry and dishes and picking up all the toys and stuff in the living room, well, due to Scarlet deciding she just wanted mommy to play with her yesterday more than she wanted to play by herself, I was only able to get the laundry done so by the time Ryan got home, the kitchen and living room were still a mess....In the past, if this same thing happened, Ryan would be a little put off to come home to an untidy house..He'd never get mad at me for not cleaning, but, he'd continue to comment on house messy our house was until either he or I finally cleaned it up...I'd end up feeling bad and like a bad wife because I wasn't able to take care of the baby AND get everything done while he was working to support us (again, he wouldn't directly come out and say "Kellsi, why didn't you clean?" or anything like that so don't think I'm saying he was putting all the blame on me lol)...Well, last night, I apologized to him for not having things done in the kitchen and living room and he just hugged me and said, "That's ok babe, I know you tried."...I can't begin to describe the feelings that gives me...I think that's one of the sweetest sentences a wife and mother could hear from her husband!

I'm so grateful that Andrea (and all of you reading this who are joining in!) and I decided to do this love dare challenge. In just two days it has brought a sort of peace in our relationship and even in our home. I've noticed myself not only being patient with my husband, but I am a LOT more patient with Scarlet (not that I'm ever impatient with her, because she's a sweet little baby, but sometimes I can get frustrated when I don't know what she needs) and especially with our dogs Suka and Ella! There has been a lot less stress for me and it's nice!

Andrea's Love Dare ~ Day 2

Today was another good day. I made the hubby a pancake breakfast with sausage. I know he appreciated it, because he had been craving them, and asking me to make them for over a week. I spent the whole night with him, and really tried not to be negative in any way. I am enjoying this new attitude! I think I'm usually a pretty positive, optimistic person, but putting a lot of emphasis on not saying anything negative, and being patient has brought with it a new kind of happiness and joy! I can feel a better spirit in our home, and I think Tyler can too.

Alright. I'm sorry about the short post, but it's late and I better go to bed before Millie wakes up in a few hours. I hope you've enjoyed doing something nice for your spouse today as much as I did!