Hmmmm...

Yes, Andrea and I realize that we pretty much suck....lol...We were doing SO well with the Love Dare Challenge and then all of a sudden, day 6 comes and leaves both of us stuck in a rut! It kind of confused us...and  because of that, it really threw us off track and we ended up stopping the Love Dare altogether! Ugh..We really want to get back on track, so, I promise that today I will start back up again!

In the meantime, I wanted to share an article I found online yesterday that really struck a chord for me. It's called "The Funnest Way to Get Your Spouse to Change"...which is a totally misleading title in my opinion because it is NOT about trying to change your spouse lol...at least not in a negative "YOU HAVE TO CHANGE!" kind of way haha...Here, I'm just gonna post it and let you figure out how it makes YOU feel!

The Funnest Way to Get Your Spouse to Change

Often the biggest obstacle for a person trying to improve his or her marital relationship is that the spouse seems unwilling to change. So how do you get your spouse to change? The bad news is that you can't directly force your spouse to change. The good news is that there are things you can do to indirectly encourage positive change. And your spouse can do the same for you.

If your spouse seems unwilling to change, it doesn't mean that he or she doesn't want a better marriage. Almost everyone wants a better marriage, but we all resist change that is imposed upon us. The only person who can change your spouse is your spouse. We all make fundamental changes in our behavior only when we are ready and internally motivated. Lasting behavioral change can't be coerced. It has to be our own choice. If someone tries to compel us to change by pointing out our faults, begging us, pressuring us, or trying to manipulate us, we become less willing to change, and the relationship suffers because of the conflict. If you have been approaching your relationship in a coercive way, the best thing you can do is to immediately back off and allow your spouse the time and freedom to change on his or her own terms.

Internalizing this understanding is critical for a fully functional marriage. You cannot change your spouse. There are things you can do to make it easier for him or her to change, but then you must accept, appreciate, and be satisfied with the changes your spouse chooses to make on his or her own timetable. You may be able to force some changes through intimidation or manipulation, but by doing so you will decrease the good will that your spouse feels for you, making any other desired changes even less likely.

Criticism kills romance. It leaves your spouse feeling defensive and decreases good will. A much more more effective motivator than criticism for improving spousal behavior is attraction.

For example, when a single man meets an available woman who is pretty, kind, fun, and in other ways seems to be his ideal, he will go to great lengths to win her heart. Because of his attraction to her, he is motivated to spend the time and energy required to make her feel loved and cared for. Eventually, however, they may both get caught up in the business of life and make each other less of a priority. She may not tend to his needs as much as before. He may realize that she isn't quite the picture of perfection that he had imagined. In any case, he is less motivated to go out of his way to meet her relationship needs.

Now let's look at the relationship from her perspective. In the beginning she found him quite attractive. Why? Because he was meeting some of her important relationship needs. Because of her attraction to him, she was motivated to go to great lengths to please him. However, as he gradually became less diligent in meeting her needs, she felt less loved, less attracted to him, and less motivated to meet his needs. Their romance suffered as a result.

At this point in the relationship the husband and wife are usually both acutely aware of the needs for change in each other. He blames her for the lack of romance, and she blames him. He suggests ways that she can change, and she nags him about things that he should do differently. This mutual criticism  leaves each one feeling discouraged, resentful, and less attracted to the other, further reducing their motivation to make personal changes.

In order to rebuild the romance in your relationship you must reverse the process that caused it to decline, or repeat the process that created it in the first place. The greatest power you have over your marital relationship is your ability to change your own behavior. If you change behavior in ways that make your spouse feel cared for, he or she will have more positive feelings toward you. These feelings will help your spouse develop the internal motivation needed to make genuine behavioral changes.

Building your relationship in this way is like courting all over again. What could be more fun than that?!

Love Dare Challenge - Day 6

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

"And herein do I exercise myself, to have always a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men."
- Acts 24:16

Kellsi's Love Dare - Day 5

This challenge happened to be pretty easy for me because I've actually asked Ryan similar questions several times over the course of our almost 2 year marriage (and 4 year relationship lol). So, bringing it up to him wasn't very difficult or awkward, he's actually really used to me being random so it didn't even phase him haha...Anyway, the VERY first thing he said when I asked him was "you tell me first"...lol...I didn't say anything about him of course, and just told him, "no babe, please? I want to do better by you, so please just tell me." So, he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally came up with 2 answers...he really could not come up with a third...I just have to laugh though because the 2nd didn't even have anything to do with us or our relationship, or even anything that actually irritates him or makes him uncomfortable...

The first thing he asked was the very thing that I've already discussed on this blog...the way I talk to him...He said he'd like it if I wouldn't talk to him like I was annoyed with him....Which, by the way, I HAVE been working on and it's been going VERY well!!!....The second (and last) thing he asked was that I eat...Ha, no, I am not anorexic or anything, but, I AM partially hypoglycemic and get bad headaches if I don't eat throughout the day, and honestly, I get headaches just about every day because I forget to eat...I don't do it on purpose,but ya know, when you have a little 8 month old crawling around the house taking up all of your time and energy, YOU, and taking care of yourself are the last things on your mind! Lol....But anyway, he asked me to eat and to take better care of myself in that way because he doesn't like seeing me hurting with headaches! Yes...I married a sweet, sweet man! :)

Andrea's Love Dare~Day 5

I was a little hesitant about this challenge, not because I didn't want to do it, but because I didn't know how to bring it up without it being totally random! Anyway, we ended up joking around about something kind of similar, so I just asked Tyler, "What are three things that bother you, or you wish you could change about me?" He responded with, "Why do you ask that? There's nothing that really irritates me or anything, and the things that might bother me I've lived with my entire life." (I am not a very tidy person, and he is, but his family isn't either). He said he decided a long time ago that it is best not to dwell on those sorts of things, but to love and accept your spouse the way they are. I know there are things he would change if he could, but I also already know what those things are, and try not to do them. I felt really good after he answered it. It was such a sweet answer, full of love and respect. He was still confused why I even asked him, but that's ok! haha.

Love Dare Challenge - Day 5

"The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious; but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself." - Ecclesiastes 10:12

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. 

Andrea's Love Dare ~ Day 4

My love dare today was not too successful. I spend all day with Tyler, and so I couldn't exactly call him or do anything like that, but I did just ask him if there was anything I could do to help him out. He hasn't been feeling very well, so I did try to be extra nice and help him with anything I could. There honestly wasn't much I could do that I don't do everyday anyway, but I did try! We still had a very good spirit in our home though. Sorry this post is very uneventful, but at least I tried!

Kellsi's Love Dare - Day 4

I think I failed for today's love dare challenge....not because I didn't do it, I did, but because of my attitude and actions at the beginning of the day...I must've woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was just having one of "those" days, feeling sorry for myself and just being grumpy. Poor Ryan was trying to help cheer me up and figure out what was wrong with me and in return I was short and snappy with him...I honestly think I married one of the most tolerable and patient men in the world, and I'm pretty sure if I were him and had a significant other that acted like I do sometimes, I probably wouldn't have married them. Lol. Just sayin...

My dear sweet husband called me this afternoon just to tell me he loves me and ask me how I was doing...by this time I was crying and frustrated because the dogs were getting on my nerves with different things they were doing and Scarlet was challenging me in different ways (mostly physically because she was constantly crawling and getting into things she's not supposed to so I had to pick her up and take her to a different area over and over again). ...aside from these things, I was feeling sorry for myself because I don't exactly have any friends here in Virginia, sure im friendly with people and do things with others occasionally, but, I don't have a friend who's there for me to talk with and know that we're not just friends because we both have a kid or something lol...and I was stressing out about money because we literally only have enough in the bank to take care of a few of our bills right now and I was just getting upset over that and was again feeling frustrated that we can never seem to catch a break financially! Our motto has always been "we need to pay our tithing" cuz we know we're blessed because of it and will have enough to take care of us if we just keep being faithful, but goodness gracious, it's hard sometimes!!

But anyway enough of that rant, my point was that Ryan called me because he is a sweet sweet man and he helped me to know that everything is ok and we can get through everything together...then he did todays love dare (obviously without knowing he was doing it) and he asked me what he can do to help me(and he even asked what he can do to help me get my business started. Which was nice because he hasn't been very involved in it)....

This phone call humbled me because instead of getting over myself and my worries and woes and calling him up to see what I could do for HIM, he called ME out of the love and kindness of his heart...

I did call him later in the day to complete my dare, but really honestly feel like what he did for me taught me so much more than me doing the challenge did...

I just love that man!